More Then You Will Ever Know
by mywayornoway
Summary: He had loved them and lost them can he love another now? And if he can will the other love him back? This is slash but more then that it is a story of acceptance and realization. Inspired by Bunni and NctrnlBst plot.


_WE are in our favourite spot leaning against the willow tree that stands on the shore of the river. We meet here every couple of months now that we are out of school it is both easier and harder to meet in private. Yet some how we manage to meet for little get aways. I lean back to look into his brown eyes that promise so much love and security the two things that have been missing since the death of my mother and know that with him all things are possible, that I will be - protected, loved, cherished. When I am in his arms nothing matters, the world holds no danger as long as I am in his arms. He has always been slightly shorter then I and his hair has always held a slightly messy look as if it has never seen a brush or comb; yet I know different for I have tried to tame that messy mop to no avail._

_He looks at me with those brown eyes of his and I see the tears that threaten to fall as his hands travel a long my back as if comforting me from something that remains unsaid, as if saying it a loud will make it all true. "Severus, I want you to always remember that you mean the world to me," he starts and I shiver as if I now what is coming. "Please never forget that you are a strong person stronger then I will ever be."_

_The tears that my lover has been trying to hold back start to fall and I suddenly feel as if our roles have somehow switched - that now I must give the comfort instead of receive it. What could make this strong man that I have always longed for cry; I have never seen him cry before yet here he is with tears in his eyes. I long for the infectious smile that he always wears to return. "James, what has happened?" I ask leaning back and placing a soft kiss on his lips. _

_He smiles that smile of his that has always been my undoing as he holds on to me tighter and with more urgency then before. "Lily came to me today with some news," James murmurs as he looks toward a spot off in the distance. I know what that news is - we had all been fearing it and expecting it for sometime now._

"_We will find a way..." I am cut short as a sharp burning pain runs through my body from the mark that I am branded with. The one that marks me and reminds me why I will never be good enough to be loved. It is times like this that I wonder why this man, this god has chosen to love me. "I have to go. He is calling me, my love."_

LJHLJH

I wake from a sound sleep with the images of the dream still burning in my mind, as it does most mornings,to the sharp pain in my arm. The one that had taken both of my loves a way from me - one by his wand the other by anothers - is demanding an appearance and I know that I must answer or accept my punishment for being tardy.

As I pull on the black robe and done the silver mask that forms to my face I occlude my mind knowing that failing to do so could prove very hazardace not only to me but many others. With one finally look a round my chambers to ensure the wards are in place I head for the gates as fast as I can.

When I get to the grave yard I silently join the ranks of the Death Eaters that have gathered to pay homage to the Dark Lord, our leader. It is times like this that I curse the rat for reuniting his soul with his body. The rat is the reason that my loves were taken from me.

"Tonight, my faithful followers," the Dark Lord starts with a smirk. "I have a surprise for you. A gift for your enjoyment." With a flick of his wand a body falls into the middle of the circle.

At the Dark Lord's words I take a closer look at the 'gift' in the middle of the circle. The dark messy hair is mated with dried blood and the young beautiful face is marred with tear tracks. Grace was never his strong point unless he was on a broom; watching him is like watching poetry in action so much like his father had been. The site of the tear tracks bring back images of that long forgotten time.

SJHSJHSJH

_We were surrounded by the chirping of birds and the fragrance of roses and lily's as the quarter moon was beginning to rise. Again I was held in his arms as we sat under the rising moon on the grass. We were not really talking about anything just enjoying the last few moments we had together before the third joined us._

_I know that there is something that he wants to tell the both of us, something that is important. I lean back into his chest and drink in the image of his smile that is not as bright as it usually is. We have been able to have these little 'fishing trips' even after Harry was born and I delight in the time we are together._

SJHSJHSJH

I take a closer look and have to stop the gasp that threatens to escape from me, Harry is crumpled in the centre of the circle - arms bent at an unusual angle and bruises littering his face. At that moment I wonder if he will ever forgive me for the things that I have done, for the way I treated him the last six years, for never rescuing him from the dreadful relatives that he lived with for sixteen years. For it is in this moment that I realise the feelings I have been having are the same that I had for James and Sirius only stronger.

I curse Dumbeldore for all his talk about the greater good. How the only place that this precious boy is safe is at Private Drive. If he was so safe there then why is he here now - the holiday is not even a week old and already he has been captured and tortured by those the wards were to protect him against. Harry, love, I am so sorry please forgive me, I plead in my mind, for deep down I know that the feelings I have for this boy are not appropriet, I am twenty years older then him. Have been lovers with both his father and his godfather. Yet I am drawn to him even now as he huddles in a circle of Death Eaters who are out for his blood.

We take our turns with the brave boy that is to be our entertainment for the night, each of the inner circle casting a curse at him our using other forms of torture. Lucius is the first, Bella second as it continues around the circle finally ending with me. How I wish I could give him - restorative potion, a numbing potion or even The Drought of Living Dead - to ease his pain. Yet I do nothing; I am not a Gryffindor and lack the courage to go against The Dark Lord even though I know he is in pain.

Harry is as deviant as always and refuses to call out as Lucius sends a cutting curse toward him that slices him from shoulder to waist across his stomach. He doesn't even cry out when Bellatrix throws a crucio at him; it is her speciality and she knows how to cause the most pain with it. Avery is next and delights in the opportunity to torture the boy as he first uses a stinging hex and then another cutting curse.

I watch as my sweet Harry suffers through curse after curse sometimes even physical attacks and curse the fact that I lack the courage to safe him; would he even want me too. It is sometime after McNair gets his turn that I retreat into my memories again, memories of a happier time for me.

SJHSJHSJHSJH

_Classes have ended and I am leaning against the big boulder as far a way from the castle as I can get and still remain with in the confines of the wards. I watch the giant squid skim across the lake as I wait for Sirius. We have been meeting here in private since the beginning of term. I watch as his lean muscular form meanders toward me._

_No sooner has he reached me then I am pulled into his arms for an intense kiss, the same greeting that he always gives. We sit hidden behind the boulder with our shoulders touching as we watch the birds and other wildlife scurry about collecting things for their supper._

_Sirius runs his hands up and down my back whispering words of love into my ears as he places kiss after kiss on them. I am in bliss just listening to him and wish for this never to end. I still love James and the security that he provides. _

_As the sun dips behind the mountains Sirius hands gain courage and slide under my robe seeking their prize and I moan willing to give him everything and anything that he seeks. _

_SJHSJHSJHSJH_

When it is my turn I see the once dark bright green eyes that are now dulled from pain turn to me. I expect to see hate and betrayal in those eyes instead of the trust and understanding that they harbour. The love that I feel for this boy only grows as he gives me that smile that has always been my undoing - the one that James used when he offered strength to me. As before everyone mistakes that smile for arrogance just as they had all those years ago; it gives me the courage and strength that I so desperately want and need. "I know you hate me so do not hold back."

That plea is telling me more then any words could ever say, the boy who lived is willing to risk his life for me. There have only been two others that would have done that for me. Two others that would give everything they had to protect me and give me strength so that I may survive. The saviour does not ask to be saved but is willing to lay down his live for me the greasy git of the dungeon, the bat of a Potion Professor. Harry has suffered hours of torture at this point and he is willing to take on more.

The boy is telling me to hurt him encouraging it even; I know what I must do so I send a curse towards him designed to bring strength masked with an outward appearance of pain. I stand while I watch Harry struggle not to cry out in pain for a short while before reeling in the last remains of strength to stand defiantly before my 'Lord'. "You have not changed, Tom" Harry remarks fighting to stand. "Taking the coward's way out by having your follows torture me for you. What would Lord Slytherin say to such a thing?"

I watch as the boy stands and insults the Dark Lord as if he is a normal person and not the strongest dark wizard for centuries. This too reminds me of both his father and godfather - they protected just as they fought - furiously. Their courage and strength was something to bee held in awe. I never saw them back down from a fight no matter what the odds.

Harry turns to me with a smirk as he raises his hand; his wand must have been taken from him when he was captured as is common practice for all prisoners. I stand in awe as he starts chanting under his breath and a silver glow starts to immanate from his hand. "Today seems like a good day," Harry remarks and I am reminded of his insolence. "Do you know why it is a good day,Tom?"

Where Harry finds the strength to stand I have no idea, I know that the spell I designed did not provide that much strength. Suddenly the room starts to feel as if it is shrinking and closing in on us. What Harry is doing should be impossible for a sixteen year old to do even if they are almost seventeen especially with the amount of torture. I have only heard of one other wizard able to draw this much magic from their surroundings. The one that I love appears to be stronger then any wizard a live.

I am surprised to notice that the glow does not shrink during this speech but grow; a fact that is unnoticed by the Dark Lord. "At least one of us will die today," Harry continues as he draws his arm back and hurls the glow toward the Dark Lord.

We all watch as the Dark Lord is surrounded by the glowing orb and slowly the golden orb starts to turn to flames engulfing the Dark Lord in them. The Dark Lord screams as if hit be a thousand crucios at once as the flames slowly surround and eat away his body. As the Dark Lord starts to disintegrate I feel tendrales of magic as I am chained to where I am. How can Harry, that sweet boy that I have both grown to love and admire harvest such energy without a wand. I notice that it is not only I that is rooted to my spot but the others as well.

Harry sinks to the floor as the Dark Lord becomes ash and he calls for the aurors to come and collect the remains of the Death Eaters which sadly include me. I pull my magic into myself trying to fight out of the bounds; they are too strong and I feel my magic draining as I watch Harry crumble to the floor. Once Harry passes out the bound lessens and I am able to fight out of the bounds the others however, are still bound- rather from the binds are the sock from Voldemort's defeat I am not sure.

I approach Harry and gather him into my arms and let the tears that I had held off letting fall fro sixteen years. Tears for - James and all the time we missed out on with his death, Sirius for all the years taken from us because of the traitor and for Harry for all the time we missed out ion because I was to cowardly to accept the fact that I could love again. I stroke dark hair so much like my own willing my strength and magic into the frail body that I am holding. Waiting for the sound of apparition that will announce the arrival of help.

Harry gives a soft moan before his eyes open slightly and he gives me that smile, "Is he gone?" Harry whispers softly as he tries valiantly to right himself. I hold him tighter still stroking his hair wishing him not to exhaust himself any more then he already is.

"Yes, love," I reply as Harry again drifts off to sleep and I pray that he will be al right. I make a mental list of all the injuries this sweet angle could have as we wait for help to arrive. I know that I do not have the magical strength to apparate us to Hogwarts gates nor do I have the mental strength to carry him to the hospital wing where Poppy could mend him.

The sound that I have been waiting for finally arrives and I wonder how long we have been sitting here. It feels like hours; I am sure it has only been a matter of minutes though. Soon the room that Harry and I are in is filled with Order members and ministry officials. A mediwitch that I do not recognise comes over and tries to take the burden I hold in my arms but I can not let go. I will not let another one be taken from me not when I do not know who is trying to take them.

"Severus, he will be al right," Remus says when he walks over to us. "You have to let them take him to the castle to be looked at. Harry is strong like James and Sirius. He will bounce back." Remus reaches to take Harry from my arms and I reluctantly release him knowing that the werewolf will make sure that the boy is safe and that he will at least protect the man that I love.

I watch as Remus disapperates with Harry to Hogwarts and make to follow the pair when Dumbeldor stops me, "Severus, we must talk."

"Not now, Headmaster. At the school," I reply as I prepare myself to apparate to the school.

I fell the familiar sensation of apparition and watch as the graveyard is replaced by the castle gates. My home, the only place I was really welcomed by someone, where I was loved and taken care of. I run to the hospital wing to the one that I love above all others hoping I can hold him one more time.

I burst into the hospital wing to see madame Pomfrey and Remus huddled over Harry's bed running diagnostic scans over him. His dark hair has yet to be spelled clean much less washed the blood still making it plaster to his head. Poppy frowns at the results of the scan as the list grows longer and longer. Some of the injuries I can guess at as I saw Harry before the battle and many injuries inflicted on the boy.

I sit in a hospital chair the whole night through thinking about the new feelings I have for this boy comparing them to the feelings I had for both his father a godfather. My scientific mind has a hard time accepting things without comparison and I can not help myself. Sometime during the night I fall asleep still carding my hand through those lovely locks of dark hair.

SJHSJHSJH

_I sit cross legged in front of a small campfire in the midst of camping gear the sound of two very recognisable voices are approaching from a distance through the trees. "Jamie, we should go for a walk first," one of the voices sounds._

"_Depends," the other voice responds, the sound of humour evident in the voice. "If I know Sev he will have the fire going already." Oh James how well you know me I think as the two dark haired men come into the clearing and I scramble to my feet._

"_Sev, how you been?" James exclaims walking up to me and circling me in a tight embrace. "Sorry, I was not there after the last summons, you know I wanted to be."_

"_Don't worry about it," I reply as I bend my head slightly to cover the other mans mouth in a deep kiss. "Duty called that night; when duty calls we all must answer," I finish after the kiss. I grab both James and Sirius hands and lead them toward a trail that I have found. "Siri, can you contain the fire until we return; there is a trail that I want to show you."_

_We walk along the rocky trail to higher heights as we hear the soft gurgle of a distant water fall. Occasional we trip on a wayward limb that has fallen along our path so enthralled in each other that we have forgotten to concentrate on our surroundings._

_Soon we reach the top of the cliff and pear out into the midst of the coming dusk content to be in each others arms once again. We sit down on the rocky ledge and enjoy the relaxing atmosoher know we are all safe for one more night._

_SJHSJHSJH_

I wake with a start the next morning with a crick in my back dreading the conversation with the headmaster. The sun is just peeking through the stained glass windows casting soft dancing colours along the sterile white walls. I look toward the only occupied bed and long for its occupant to wake up. Our wold has asked so much of the frail young man and given him so little.

My muse is interrupted by the arrival of the Headmaster and Remus both looking the worse for wear as if neither of them have had any sleep during the night. "Severus, why don't you join Remus for breakfast," Albus instructs as he moves toward the bed. "I will sit with young Harry until you get back."

Reluctantly I rise knowing that it was not a request but an order to follow the werewolf out of the hospital wing and to the kitchens. We come to the picture of the fruit and Remus tickles the pear that opens the hidden door. "We found this room in our second year," he absent mindedly mutters. "James and Sirius always liked to take risks but I knew they would never bring us any harm. Harry is a lot like that. It may not appear that way all the time but he knows more then he lets on."

It is almost ass if Remus is skirting the topic at hand; why does he keep bringing James and Siri up does he know of our relationship. I was never good with not having all the answers and the werewolf keeps giving me more questions to find the answers to. "They were good friends - protective, strong and loyal," the werewolf continues as plates piled high with food are placed in front of us. "Harry is a combination of the best qualities of them and of Lily. He loves as furiously as he fights anyone would be very privaledged to receive his love."

"Why are you saying this?" I ask my curiosity getting the better of me. "Why do you keep bringing up James and Sirius?" Exhoustion has finally gotten the better of me if I am revealing this much and I curse myself for showing my hand.

"Because, Severus, you need to know this if you are planning on persuing a relationship with Harry," Remus returns looking at me. "Harry is not James even though he looks like him. Nor is he Sirius even though he has his strength. Harry cares for you just as they did, and you care for him. Harry has never known what it was like to have a family just as Sirius never knew. They taught you to love; teach Harry what it is like to be loved in return."

I stare at the werewolf with open mouth for a second before I close my mouth and shake my head. He knew, we were so careful, yet he knows. "You knew?" I ask softly after regaining my speech.

"Both Lily and I knew," Remus remarks. "We knew that there was something special between the three of you. Lily in her thirst for knowledge knew that it was not uncommon for the eldest son of a family to take a lover on the side and that in the wizarding world unlike the muggle world it was not uncommon for people to have same sex relationships. After all it is our magic that draws us to someone and often times wizards in a same sex relationship also marry a witch with almost compatible magic."

I look at Remus with a new level of respect all these years Remus and Lily had known that the three of us had a relationship and not said anything. What is more Lily had accepted it maybe even encouraged it. "She knew all that time and she knew; yet still married James?" I ask with shaking breath. I still fear that all those times that we would meet after James had gotten married and Harry had been born might mean nothing to James.

"She knew and accepted it for what it was," Remus nods with a soft smile. She knew in seventh year just as she knew that James and her were meant to be together."

So you are telling me that Lily, in her soft and caring way had overlooked the continuation of our romance after Harry's birth just as she had done in our seventh year. To her it was simple and unasuming as she knew that she was able to give James the one thing that I could not. She could give him a heir to carry on the Potter name. It was that simple to her. Did she think that James was trying to hurt her?" I have to ask this; I do not want anyone thinking the worst of the man that I had loved with all my heart and soul. "Did she know everything including how powerful he was? Did she know that he could have two mates?" How I hate to use that word in conjunction with James. HE was my everything, my other half. With his death a part of me died.

"She knew it all," Remus mutters. We finish our meal and head back to the hospital wing with full spirits and a new found respect for eachother. As we near the double doors leading into the hospital wing Remus places his hand on my shoulder bringing me to a stop. "Never doubt the love that any of them had for you. Each in their own way loved you very much."

I do not know how to respond to that nor do I think that there are any words to express how i feel. I simply nod and walk into the hospital bed and over to Harry and brush the hair that has travelled onto his forehead off of it. I am about to lean down and kiss his forehead when a clearing of a throat reminds me that we are not a lone.

"It is funny how our roles change in times of need," the Headmaster mutters as he rises from his chair. "Many a time after a meeting James and or Sirius would sit at your bedside doing the same thing for you. They would hold vigil over you until you woke up - in school under the cloak and after ward without it. Then it would be hours before they would be satisfied that you were al right."

"Now, if Remus would sit with Harry, I believe we have a long awaited talk," Albus expresses with a nod toward Remus. Once again I know that this is an order veiled as it is and follow the headmaster out knowing that he werewolf will not leave Harry's side.

I follow the headmaster up to his office both wondering and knowing what he wants to talk about. For once Albus does not delay and gets straight to the point. "What do you remember about yesterday?" Albus asks as he sits behind his desk.

I tell him everything - how Harry was presented, how he was tortured, how he defeated Voldemort and called for bask up - everything even my part in it. I tell him about the magical drain on the room as Harry conjured the gold orb without a wand and how Voldemort screamed in agony as he burned within the confines of the orb. Through the whole speech I am amazed at the fact that I can now say the Dark Lords name without so much as a twinge of pain something I have never been able to do.

While in the Headmaster's office I admit so many things both the good and the bad, it has always been that way in the office for me at least. I always end up saying more then I want to say. During the meeting I tell him all about Sirius and I as well as James and I. For the first time I admit that when Sirius was arrested and sent to Azkaban for the supposed betrayal and deaths of thirteen people - 12 muggles and the traitor - I was left a lone.

I knew that Sirius was not the Secret Keeper and the Pettigrew was; but I was a Death Eater and no one wanted to listen to me. So I watched as my other love was carted off to the dreadful island for a crime he never committed where he would live for the rest of his life and I knew that I was truly a lone. In a twenty-four hour span everything I help dear in my life had been taken a way.

Sirius and I had settled our differences after the debacle of our sixth year and started seeing each other at the start of our seventh when James started pursuing Lily in ernest. James never stopped paying attention to me though Sirius felt the absent of his best friend greatly and had turned to me to fill the emptiness. The bond between he and I was never as strong as with James yet we used each other for the comfort of a friend that we felt was growing further a way.

We were so stupid to think that James would never have time for either of us - Sirius as a friend and I as a lover- yet at the time we felt as if part of us was breaking and so we started to see each other in private and kept up the act that we hated each other in front of everyone just as James and I had done for the past year.

I admit my insecurities and my hopes to him knowing that they will not be thrown out as insubstantial. I admit to him that I love Harry and want nothing more then to be with him. It is then that the ever present twinkle starts to fade and Albus speaks, "I must ask that you do two things - wait for Harry's birthday before doing anything sexual and keep this relationship as private as possible. There are no school charters against a student teacher relationship however I fear the repercussions to both you and Harry if this should get out once the school year starts." I mutely nod and rise to leave and return to the hospital wing were I will again take up vigil waiting for those bright green eyes to open.

I walk into the hospital wing and find that Remus has taken up residence in my chair. The wolf in him wants to protect his cub, the last of his pack and I gulp as I realise the risk I am taking should I ever hurt Harry. I walk over to the chair and sit on the side of the bed.

I glance at Remus and notice that the werewolf is fighting back tears as he strokes Harry's head murmuring encouraging words to the young man. The two of us have so much in common yet we are so different. "Take care of him, Severus," Remus instructs without turning a way from the bed. "He deserves so much - to be happy, someone to take care of him, and to love him. I don't know how Harry feels about you but I know how you feel about Harry. If you hurt him I will come for you."

"I would expect nothing less," I comment as I first kiss Harry on his scar that is an angry red then shake the werewolfs hand. We have come to an understanding and again grown a little closer if for only Harry's sake. Remus leaves asking to be notified should Harry wake up.

It is sometime later when I drift back to sleep even though I try to stay awake in case Harry is to wake up.

SJHSJHSJH

_Three silver images appear much as the ghosts of Hogwarts in appearance however I know these three two more then the third and dread what they will tell me. The female in the group has a legendary temper to go with her flaming red hair; how it is red now I do not understand but it is. The males too have the dark hair that I remember them having one messy the other to his shoulders and flowing. "We have come to you tonight, Severus, to give our blessing," the ghost of James exclaims with a smile._

"_You are what he needs now," Sirius ghost adds. ""I have wanted so much to hold you the last year and have missed you."_

"_Take care of my little boy, Severus, as he will take care of you," the last ghost murmurs as she leans into James. "He is the one that you have been waiting for."_

"_We love you both," all three ghosts say as they fade a way and the world goes dark._

_SJHSJHSJH_

I wake with the knowledge that my first two loves love me from the grave and look toward the one that the four of us will always love. I am startled to see dull green eyes staring at me with an uncertainty that should never be present in them. "I had a strange dream, sir," Harry admits tiredly before his eyes have totally adjusted to the light. "In it my parents and Sirius told me that i should not worry about my feeling for you. That you return them."

My heart drops as I listen to the words that come forth from the mouth that i want so much to kiss and I can not help but wonder if he still hates me. "Is it true, Professor Snape, do you love me?" Harry asks weakly not looking into my eyes. "Or was it just a dream and you still hate me?"

I can not help the tears that spring to my eyes as I draw him into my arms. "It was no dream,Harry. I love you," I whisper as I lower my head and place a light kiss onto his lips. "More then you will ever know." I place another kiss on to the tightening bolt scar before placing him back onto the bed. "Rest now, love."

I watch as he closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep. I vow then again to always love him; for I love him more then anyone will ever know, more then I loved his father or godfather. I loved them both each in their own way as they loved me in their own way. With Harry it is different and I can not explain how I just know that it is.


End file.
